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Your Horoscopes with Bethesda Hoop

Updated: Oct 21, 2023


Bethesda Hoop, as you may know, is one of England’s most famous psychic mediums, and is particularly well-known for offering guidance to the Supernaturalist Wilfred Woolfitt on many of his investigations.

Indeed, her uncanny abilities also extend to astrology, which she exercises in a modest column published on page 3 of ‘Eldritch Monthly’.

Thus, this month’s predictions are:


ARIES

Radishes will become important to you this month, Aries, but if you notice a child selling them, hide at once! A radish might suit your fiery temperament, but there are limits! Instead, opt for a pair of sturdy gloves, a warmed coconut, or the company of a llama. Don’t be bowled over by a Cossack’s dance. Take heart in the company of sailors. This month’s lucky number: is 337. Your preferred colour: an angry mauve.


TAURUS

Attend to your shoelaces at six o’clock this second Tuesday, Taurus, especially if you have an appointment with a magistrate. Your stubborn nature might insist that it is unnecessary to make such trivial changes to your day but know that you could very well be knocked unconscious by a low-flying goose. Still, your natural loyalty will always work in your favour this month, especially in the company of a churlish seamstress. Eat a turnip for melancholia. This month’s lucky number: -4. Your preferred colour: a sickly green.


GEMINI

Beware your curious nature, Gemini — especially when sorting out a friend’s pantry. That pickle jar is not all it seems! And neither is your new piano teacher. Make sure you see all her fingers before committing to lessons. Remember: anything less than eight is worrisome; anything more than fourteen and check under her petticoat for a captive concert pianist. Fortunately, however, the last Sunday of this month will see you enjoy more walnuts than usual. This month’s lucky number: 1 million. Your preferred colour: burnt umber.


CANCER

Don’t be so guarded, Cancer! Open yourself up to the possibility that a tramp loitering in your back garden may be a welcome friend. Then again, he may steal your laundry — it’s anyone’s guess. That being said, you must trust new experiences. I see a locomotive, a bag of onions, and a small sooty boy with a rabbit under his arm in your future. Do not turn away from whatever these opportunities present. This month’s lucky number: 10. No! 19! Your preferred colour: rabbit.


LEO

Leo, your natural exuberance may play a part in a fire in a theatre box. Try not to wave your arms around so much while close to live flames. Still, a pause in the run of a play may be the least of your worries, as it emerges that the monkey you befriended at the zoo will escape and hold up a bank with a banana. You may be forced to talk him down from the roof with the promise of a return to the jungle, or a job at a local florist. But make sure you are not held accountable if the monkey eats the petunias! This month’s lucky number: tattooed on the hand of the zoo keeper. Your preferred colour: banana.


VIRGO

Don’t let your perfectionism ruin your relationship with your postman, Virgo! If he zigzags up your path at any time this month, don’t set trip wires the following day! This will only result in having to deliver a letter to ill-tempered Mrs. Knapp at number 43 when her mail gets mixed up with yours. And speaking of doing everyone’s job for them: it’s dangerous apprehending criminals with just a large sausage and a cooking pot for a helmet, and not the truncheons and protection afforded the police department. Take a break! You deserve it! This month’s lucky number: However, many lentils you find in your soup. Your preferred colour: an understated but flirtatious blue.


LIBRA

If you’re looking for harmony, Libra, you won’t find it in your local cake shop. Someone’s playing a sinister game with the cream puffs, and you’ll easily be blamed. Instead, build that kite you’ve always been promising yourself (which will satisfy your need for symmetry), fly it with any Frenchman you might find, and wait for romance to blossom! Unless his name is Hugo. Then, there’s a high chance he will try and attack you with a rock. This month’s lucky number: The number of puffs left in the cake shop window. Your preferred colour: cream, the colour of rotten teeth.


SCORPIO

A love of mystery may be your undoing this month, Scorpio. Peering into peoples’ windows in the hope of catching a burglar is more likely to result in being pursued into the street by a large dog. You’re much better off encouraging the local village idiot to stop chasing the ironmonger’s cart who tends to throw the spokes of bicycles at the poor fellow whenever he tries to climb aboard. Otherwise, shine a light on the wall — that should keep him occupied. This month’s lucky number: ask the village idiot. Your preferred colour: red the colour of slowly creeping blood.


SAGITTARIUS

Your bookish nature will pay dividends this month, Sagittarius! It’s possible inside the covers of an obscure tome you dig out at the back of the library, you will discover the meaning of life! Or, more probably, a ten-bob note that has been used as a bookmark. Either way, take that good fortune and confer it to a passing chandler. This will either be met with delight, accusations of bribery, or result in a short stint in Blackwall Asylum. Whatever the outcome, enjoy the knowledge gained. This month’s lucky number: is 42. Your preferred colour: is freedom which for all intents and purposes is a striking maroon.


CAPRICORN

Use your natural perseverance to finish building that model out of soup cans, Capricorn, but don’t think this will result in fame or fortune. To achieve your goals, make sure you lull a minister with your natural ability with woodwinds. If you’ve never picked up such an instrument before, you’ll be surprised at how easily your lips become accustomed to the holes — although the sound that comes out might be surprisingly squeaky. This will not daunt you, however. Instead, make sure you hold the minister captive until he compliments you on your playing, and perhaps offers you a chance to ring the church bells on Sunday. This month’s lucky number: guess. You already know it. Your preferred colour: the colour of the music.


AQUARIUS

For one dedicated to making the world a better place, you could feel cheated this month, Aquarius. Therefore, avoid playing canasta, wagering on bare-knuckle boxing, or riding camels for sport. Instead, pour your efforts into the Japanese art of origami where you’ll have a better chance of attracting goodwill, especially from fishermen. Choose the mullet over the bream, however, unless you wish to spend three days in a seaman’s oily hammock. This month’s lucky number: 0. Your preferred colour: the ever-changing and mercurial colour of the sea.


PISCES

Your intuition will be put to good use this month, Pisces, especially if you happen across a puppeteer. Look at his left hand! There’s every possibility it’s being worked by a trained hedgehog while the puppeteer steals pennies from the children! If you suspect foul play, see if you might intercept a puppeteer’s arch-enemy — a mime, who might be able to alert the crowd with oversized gestures. Although, more practically, you might warn them yourself or accost an officer of the law. Of course, prudence is also required. Falsely accusing a puppeteer is a serious business, and you will not want to be woken by the sound of Mr. Punch whispering to you from your wardrobe. This month’s lucky number: is 17361. Your preferred colour is black. The colour of fear.

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